I miss the old me

This is me, pushing my mom, Harriet, in a borrowed wheel chair at a resort in Cancun. I think you can see the smile on my face. We were in Cancun for my nephew's wedding. Harriet struggled with the distances and the walking, and the resort lent us a wheelchair so that Harriet could enjoy all of the activities.

But really, she couldn't. The wedding party provided a couple of excursions to local tourist spots, and Harriet wanted to go, but ended up not being able to fully participate. I stayed with Harriet. I was happy to do so. Tourist sites are still there, Mom has gone on to her heavenly home.

The person I was had a great time and loved having the opportunity to take care of my mom. That light hearted person saw the good in just about every situation. She laughed a lot, and easily.

I miss her. I miss being light hearted. I miss laughing easily. I miss being able to let disappointments go easily, and not have them ruin my day. Cecil was light hearted too. He helped me stay light hearted when I faltered. And now he is gone, and I wonder if I will ever be me again.

I know that this grief laying heavy on my heart is normal. I am doing all the things I can to move forward. But yesterday, when I was disappointed by the failure of JB Hunt, I was devastated. And I ate too much and drank too much to fill the hole, and that meant that I woke up today feeling like crap. Not a good coping mechanism.

I pray that time will help me find my way back to myself. I want to be resilient again. I want to see the humor. I want to roll with disappointment and find the good in life. I want to do healthy things to cope, instead of unhealthy things. One day at a time. That is the best I can do. But I really hope I can find my way back to myself.