Looking Up

I had such ambition when starting this blog. The plan was to write posts every couple of days, and for a while that worked. And then, like a giant wave, grief knocked me down. And just like when a wave knocks you over, I have been floundering, trying to keep my head above water, trying to tread water until I could stand and reach solid ground again.

My business is words, and words have failed me. I don't know words for how big my feelings are. I am uncomfortable visiting my sadness on people, so I try to keep up a good front. The grief is heavier now than it was in June. I have been told to expect this.

I sat outside with my dogs this morning, and realized that as long as I am looking into myself, I will stay frozen. There are no answers inside of me. So I need to look up. Look up at the sky and realize how big and wonderful the world is. Look up and dream. Look up and be inspired.

Nothing will bring Cecil back. I need to learn to have a full and happy life without him in it. No one will do that hard work for me. I can stand in this place of grief, or I can try to move out of it. I am writing this blog post. I will force words out in one of the two books I am currently working on. Tomorrow, I will try to write another blog post, the next one catching you all up on some of what has happened in my life while I was silent.

Immediately after Cecil died I told a number of people that we honor the dead by living lives they would be proud of. That is much easier to say than it is to do. But today I am rededicating myself to that goal. Pray for me, or send good karma into the universe for me, my friends. In addition to looking up, I need lifting up right now.