The Two-Edged Sword

Facebook memories are wonderful. They can provide a picture of where you were at a moment in the past. But they can also be painful, when you see a moment that can never happen again.

I shared in my last blog post that I am diving deeper into volunteerism, in an effort to fill some of the empty space that has been left since Cecil died.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to the center director where I am volunteering. Just like always, I ended up sharing some Cecil stories, because really, I have difficulty having any conversation of any length where he doesn't enter the conversation.

We both laughed at the story, and I talked about how clever, and witty and funny Cecil was. I headed for home in high spirits, feeling good about increasing my volunteer commitment, and starting to develop new relationships.

And then the crash. I can tell Cecil stories, but she will never meet Cecil. I can never say to a new friend, "I can't wait for you to meet Cecil". And I got so very sad, so very fast.

The best way I have to keep Cecil with me is to talk about him, and to tell his stories. But it hurts that as I build a new life without him, I will have a cadre of friends and acquaintances that will never know him. And that makes me sad.

There it is, the two-edged sword. I can only keep Cecil close by remembering him and talking about him. And it will always hurt that he isn't here to share in my life.