Trying to come back

I apologize for being away for so long. And for posting so sporadically these last few months. What I am learning this summer is that grief is not linear. I was doing pretty well in the spring, but the grief has been exceptionally heavy this summer.

I knew intellectually that everyone's journey through grief is individual. And that there are no rules, no right and wrong in how each person manages their journey. I knew it would be hard. I didn't know that the emotional toll would be so physically exhausting.

I'm trying to give myself grace, and be gentle with myself. I miss writing this blog, and working on my stories, but every time I have tried to get the ideas in my head out and on paper, I freeze.

Just managing life feels like so much work. I've never been good at ending a day without a list of accomplishments, so this summer has been a reinforcing exercise in being disappointed in myself, as well as missing Cecil profoundly.

Today I am giving myself permission to not walk in the extreme heat, and instead trying to restart my writing. Don't know if it will last, but I am going to try.

I have stopped trying to aggressively market my books. I wasn't getting any sales, so I have removed that disappointment from my life. I will work on writing, and keeping this blog updated, and if I sell books or get page reads, wonderful. If I don't, I will keep writing for me. To put stories of redemption and goodness out into the world in the hope that they resonate with someone, or brighten someone's day.

I am learning that no matter how hard I try, sometimes the best I can do is to keep my nose out of the water as the grief threatens to drown me. Now I have to learn to appreciate that as a victory.

I still feel very blessed to have shared more than 35 wonderful years with Cecil, and I accept that this difficult season of grieving is the cost of that great love.

One minute at a time, always moving forward in gratitude, even when that gratitude looks like tears.